The Work Will Remain

The weight of the chair shifts awkwardly underneath you as you settle into it. These things shouldn't be so bothersome, shouldn't occupy so much of your thoughts, but they always do, always create creep that prey upon your mind and makes it more difficult to actually accomplish anything within this given span. The moon shines bright on the sidewalk out front, almost eerie in its glow and you wonder how long it will be this bright, how long night will seem like day, how many more hours until dawn begins to change the light outside your window. These are not trivial concerns. You only have so many hours to attempt to work, and you need to get some sleep at some point. Why fight it? Why pretend that something might happen tonight, when you know it won't, it can't, there's nothing that will be done tonight and you know it, but your hope flickers like the light in the second story window of that house across the street, as you wrap your fingers around the warm mug you think that maybe this time, maybe now, maybe right this moment you'll set down the mug and touch the keyboard, your fingers dancing across the keys the way they used to, the way they do in your dreams still at night, the same way you dream about cigarettes and whiskey, the phantom tastes dancing about the tip of your tongue when you wake. These things have all been left behind, they've been castaway like countless other bad habits, shed along the trail of your life, the worn track that follows behind you as you make your way from one morning to the next, struggling to see what the gain has been and what the gain might be.

The sigh that escapes your lips startles yourself, breaking the silence in the room, overriding even the sound of the cooling fan. You set the mug down on the desk next to the keyboard and tentatively start flexing your fingers. Tonight shouldn't pass without some blood being shed, it's a struggle and you need to fight through it, and you need to take a step forward, even if it's a faltering, unsure step that causes you to wobble and lean against the wall as you make your way. The work will remain, the work will always remain and you need to make your way into it, resolutely.